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+--- Thread: The Man From DEFRA! (/showthread.php?tid=1457)
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The Man From DEFRA! - garybrun - 11th March 2009
Farmer Palmer was overseeing his herd in a remote hillside pasture in Staffordshire, when suddenly a brand new Range Rover advanced towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer "if I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Palmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers "Sure, why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Blackberry, and surfs to a page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full colours 150 page report on his high-tech miniaturised HP Laserjet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well I guess you can take one of my calves" says Dan.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the Range Rover.
Then farmer Palmer says to the young man "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second then says "OK why not?"
"You work for DEFRA"
"Wow! That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required" answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are and you don't know a thing about cows.......this is a herd of sheep.....now give me back my dog."
Website for responsible Metal Detecting
http://www.ukdfd.co.uk
Recording Our Heritage For Future Generations.
The Man From DEFRA! - vulpes - 11th March 2009
Perhaps this would be more relevant if it were the man from English Heritage?
That said, farms under Higher Level Stewardship have to get Defra or is it Natural England(?) permission to allow metal detecting.... Quite how this is policed is another matter. But as BAJR says ...people watch...
Besides what's a farmer, aren't they called Environmental Stewards nowadays? :face-huh:
The Man From DEFRA! - trowelmonkey - 11th March 2009
That made me laugh until my sides ached!
Sadly, I suspect we too are sometimes guilty of being the man from DEFRA. My effoer has been spent interpretting mysterious, undated features such as hayrick bases, and cattle-feeding points while we tell the farmer how lucky he is to be the custodian of the past.
Touche, a poncey way to say ouch!
The Man From DEFRA! - BAJR Host - 11th March 2009
Vulpes.. a number of names went through my head as well
and Gary was going to... but I like it jsut the way it is... and let the mind do the word swaps... ... v funny!?When a sinister person means to be your enemy, they always start by trying to become your friend.?
William Blake
The Man From DEFRA! - kevin wooldridge - 11th March 2009
....maybe I am missing something here, but.... after the man from DEFRA says "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."....Why does Dan the farmer say "That's right" if infact he has a herd of sheep....
Sorry, I always need jokes explained to me...
![[Image: 3334488270_7156e71b8b_t.jpg]](http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3405/3334488270_7156e71b8b_t.jpg)
With peace and consolation hath dismist, And calm of mind all passion spent...
The Man From DEFRA! - garybrun - 11th March 2009
Do you work for DEFRA??? :lol:
Quote:quote:....maybe I am missing something here, but.... after the man from DEFRA says "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."....Why does Dan the farmer say "That's right" if infact he has a herd of sheep....
Well if you agree with them they go away quicker and let you get on with what you wanted to do in the first place!
Website for responsible Metal Detecting
http://www.ukdfd.co.uk
Recording Our Heritage For Future Generations.
The Man From DEFRA! - kevin wooldridge - 11th March 2009
In my desperate attempt to try and understand this joke Gary I did a quick search on Google. Did you know that Google has an American, Australian and South African version of this very same joke? (Tho' not quite so sure that making the butt of the joke in the SA version a member of the ANC rather than the man from DEFRA is quite PC).
Er der en norsk versjon ogs??
With peace and consolation hath dismist, And calm of mind all passion spent...
The Man From DEFRA! - garybrun - 11th March 2009
Quote:quote:Originally posted by kevin wooldridgeJeg vet ikke! :face-huh:
Er der en norsk versjon ogs??
Website for responsible Metal Detecting
http://www.ukdfd.co.uk
Recording Our Heritage For Future Generations.
The Man From DEFRA! - vulpes - 11th March 2009
With reindeer?
The Man From DEFRA! - kevin wooldridge - 11th March 2009
En bonde passa den digre saueflokken sin, mens den gikk spredt utover p? beitet. Da dukker det plutselig opp en t?ff ny BMW 5-serie p? veien nedenfor. En fyr i Broni-dress og Gucci-sko, med Ray Ban solbriller og et YSL-slips stikker hodet ut av bilvinduet og roper til bonden: Hvis jeg kan si n?yaktig antall sauer du har g?ende p? beitet her, f?r jeg ta med meg en av sauene dine da?
Bonden ser p? fyren - for en jypling! Og han ser p? den godt spredte saueflokken, og svarer: Ja, det er greit for meg! Fyren kj?rer BMW'n inntil kanten, ?pner en Dell notebook p? panseret, kopler siste skrik i Nokia mobil til og surfer til ei NASA-side p? internett og kaller opp et GPS-satelitt-navigasjonssystem, henter den eksakte posisjonen deres i terrenget og mater den inn til en annen NASA-satelitt som skanner beiteomr?det med ultrah?y-oppl?sningskamera. S? ?pner han det digitale bildet i Adobe Photoshop og eksporterer det til et nettsted: Image Processing Facility i Hamburg. I l?pet av sekunder f?r han en e-post i retur p? en Palm Pilot - der det st?r "picture prosessed and data stored". S? logger han inn p? en MS-SQL database via ODBC og kopler opp et Excel regneark med flere hundre avanserte formler. Etterp? laster han alle dataene ned gjennom e-posten til en Xircom og p? et ?yeblikk f?r han respons. Til sist skriver han ut en fire fargers, 150-siders rapport p? sin hitech-miniatyr HP Colour LaserJet og kaster et blikk p? den siste sida: Du har n?yaktig 1586 dyr, sier han.
Det stemmer det, s? det er greit at du tar med deg en sau, sier bonden. S? ser han p? mens typen velger ett av dyra, og bykser og kaver med ? f? det ned i baggasjerommet p? BMW'n.
S? sier han: "Du, hvis jeg kan si n?yaktig hva du jobber med - gir du
meg tilbake den sauen da?"
Den unge fyren tygger litt p? det, men sier:
- Ok, ja hvorfor ikke?
- Du er konsulent, sier bonden.
- J?ss, det stemmer - hvordan kunne du gjette det?
- Det er ikke gjetting! Du kom her uten at noen hadde tilkalt deg, s? skulle du ha betalt for et svar jeg kunne fra f?r! Dessuten har du null og niks peiling p? noe som helst i denne bransjen! S? da er du kanskje s? snill og lukke opp baggasjelokket og gi meg igjen bikkja mi?
There you go Gary roughly the same joke in Norwegian!!
It has to be said though that the Norwegian version actually makes sense....(For the benefit of non-Norwegians, this farmer only has sheep and rather than a man from DEFRA the butt of the joke is 'a consultant', and the punch line isn't that the consultant can't distinguish cows from sheep, but that he can't tell the difference between a sheep and the sheep-dog.)
With peace and consolation hath dismist, And calm of mind all passion spent...