17th February 2009, 02:12 PM
This is a bit of a p*ss-take (don't take it seriously)
Dear Druids
When I finally shuffle of this mortal coil and go on up to the great archaeological lecture theatre in the sky, I would like to donate my body to your gods. In return, I would like you to do the following with my body:
Please wrap me in finest silk, complete with gold embroidery and opal/emerald fittings (in life I may not have had such an item, but in death I think I damn-well deserve one). I?d also like some form of burial mask? made out of Lignum vitae. Bury my body (with personal effects, gold and/or platinum offerings) in non-consecrated ground, preferably in the crouched position and with me clutching a bottle of Talisker. (Of course, the gold/platinum offerings must be of the finest quality? from Debeer?s and not GemsTV or QVC).
During the burial ceremony, I?d like lots of people moaning and thrashing about, as if in paroxysms of grief and/or sexual frenzy. Furthermore, I?d like ?Stand and Deliver? (Adam and The Ants) to be played continuously (ad naseum)? this will help in establishing the right pitch for the moaning and thrashing.
After a few months, I?d like my body to be exhumed (at your cost). Of course, I will have to be treated with full respect and due reverence (and of course, I?d expect further moaning and thrashing during the exhumation rite). I would at this point I?d like the Talisker to be taken from me, opened and then poured over my exhumed body.
I would then like to be placed on an excarnation platform (built from finest cedar) for my bones to be scattered to the four winds and for animals to feast on my rotting flesh. After a short while (say two weeks), I?d like someone appointed with such matters (they must be fully qualified) to collect up my bones and remnant flesh and place me in a cremation pit. I?d then like to be cremated using sandalwood and bog myrtle chippings. Music for this process must be ?Disco Inferno? (Cyndi Lauper version). No thrashing or moaning needed at this juncture... the ceremony has to be done with solemnity and quietitude.
My ashes should then be placed in an original Bronze Age cremation vessel - along with my retrieved personal effects, gold/platinum offerings and further grave goodies. The grave goods must include an ovate Acheulian hand axe, a Pre-Columbian Mesoamerican obsidian arrowhead and a bottle of Ardbeg Uigeadail malt. If a suitable Bronze Age cremation vessel can not be found, a passable Black Attic ware crater (original, mind!) will suffice. I would then like my cremated remains and pot to buried at sea? and I mean ?Buried at Sea?. I want a professional scuba diving unit to actually dig a grave for me beyond the 12 mile limit. Not just chucked over board like any-old scoundrel. During the burial, I?d like the scuba divers to hum Dixie. If the divers want to thrash and moan as well, that is up to them (would be nice though). NB I am fully aware that the Druidic Health and Safety Executive would need to do a risk assessment first... at 100m below sea level, it may be diffuclt to tell the difference between mere thrashing about and the bends.
Finally, I?d like a granite marker stone (complete with runic inscriptions saying ?Gorilla was such a nice chap?, ?have a great afterlife Gorilla old bean? and the like) placed 0.73m directly eastnortheast of my grave.
These are my final wishes? they are my funeral rites and my beliefs. It's my parting and I'll die how I want to.
Is that all too much to ask? At least in doing all this, you can be sure that no archaeologist will ever dig me up! Furthermore, you won?t have to rebury me!
Dear Druids
When I finally shuffle of this mortal coil and go on up to the great archaeological lecture theatre in the sky, I would like to donate my body to your gods. In return, I would like you to do the following with my body:
Please wrap me in finest silk, complete with gold embroidery and opal/emerald fittings (in life I may not have had such an item, but in death I think I damn-well deserve one). I?d also like some form of burial mask? made out of Lignum vitae. Bury my body (with personal effects, gold and/or platinum offerings) in non-consecrated ground, preferably in the crouched position and with me clutching a bottle of Talisker. (Of course, the gold/platinum offerings must be of the finest quality? from Debeer?s and not GemsTV or QVC).
During the burial ceremony, I?d like lots of people moaning and thrashing about, as if in paroxysms of grief and/or sexual frenzy. Furthermore, I?d like ?Stand and Deliver? (Adam and The Ants) to be played continuously (ad naseum)? this will help in establishing the right pitch for the moaning and thrashing.
After a few months, I?d like my body to be exhumed (at your cost). Of course, I will have to be treated with full respect and due reverence (and of course, I?d expect further moaning and thrashing during the exhumation rite). I would at this point I?d like the Talisker to be taken from me, opened and then poured over my exhumed body.
I would then like to be placed on an excarnation platform (built from finest cedar) for my bones to be scattered to the four winds and for animals to feast on my rotting flesh. After a short while (say two weeks), I?d like someone appointed with such matters (they must be fully qualified) to collect up my bones and remnant flesh and place me in a cremation pit. I?d then like to be cremated using sandalwood and bog myrtle chippings. Music for this process must be ?Disco Inferno? (Cyndi Lauper version). No thrashing or moaning needed at this juncture... the ceremony has to be done with solemnity and quietitude.
My ashes should then be placed in an original Bronze Age cremation vessel - along with my retrieved personal effects, gold/platinum offerings and further grave goodies. The grave goods must include an ovate Acheulian hand axe, a Pre-Columbian Mesoamerican obsidian arrowhead and a bottle of Ardbeg Uigeadail malt. If a suitable Bronze Age cremation vessel can not be found, a passable Black Attic ware crater (original, mind!) will suffice. I would then like my cremated remains and pot to buried at sea? and I mean ?Buried at Sea?. I want a professional scuba diving unit to actually dig a grave for me beyond the 12 mile limit. Not just chucked over board like any-old scoundrel. During the burial, I?d like the scuba divers to hum Dixie. If the divers want to thrash and moan as well, that is up to them (would be nice though). NB I am fully aware that the Druidic Health and Safety Executive would need to do a risk assessment first... at 100m below sea level, it may be diffuclt to tell the difference between mere thrashing about and the bends.
Finally, I?d like a granite marker stone (complete with runic inscriptions saying ?Gorilla was such a nice chap?, ?have a great afterlife Gorilla old bean? and the like) placed 0.73m directly eastnortheast of my grave.
These are my final wishes? they are my funeral rites and my beliefs. It's my parting and I'll die how I want to.
Is that all too much to ask? At least in doing all this, you can be sure that no archaeologist will ever dig me up! Furthermore, you won?t have to rebury me!